A Brief History of…Jason Voorhees

jason-voorhees

Name: Jason Voorhees

Occupation: Homicidal Maniac

Likes: Weapons – both blunt and sharp, hockey masks, one-eyed head sacks, Camp Crystal Lake, brutal and highly creative murders, life-restoring lightning rods

Dislikes: The BBFC & MPAA censorship boards, Earth 2, Freddy Krueger, degenerative sewer water, boat propellers, telekinesis


About

From a very early age Jason Voorhees had an axe to grind, one he would spend the rest of his life swinging. His supposed death in the reeds of Camp Crystal Lake would lead to one of the most notorious mass murders in history, an act of crazed vengeance that would see his mother beheaded as a consequence.

Imagine the shock he would get after returning to his mother’s cabin following a year-long game of hide and go seek. That was the longest he had ever hidden from his mother without being found, and when he returned to a pile of horribly disfigured teenage bodies, her usual promise of a victory ice-cream had long since melted. 

She can’t hide; no place to hide. – Pamela Voorhees

Realising that much had transpired during his short absence, Jason went for a long, refreshing swim. After later emerging from the lake and pulling heroine Alice back down with him, it was time for Jason to undergo much soul-searching before his triumphant return to the leafy realms of the young and promiscuous. Jason’s first victim would be the owner of a remote and deserted library, an ancient bookworm who he would beat to death with a rubber stamp. A weak, adolescent Jason would struggle with his task – a difficult and laborious murder that he would quickly learn from.

Jason Voorhees

Have you seen my mom? I’ve been hiding for like a year now.

There he would expand his knowledge as a means to understand and cope with the tragedy which had befallen him, studying the works of Marx, Freud and Heidegger, while consuming and comparing the doctrines of all religions and civilisations to become a seminal thinker. Finally Jason would lean towards existentialism, with a little nihilism thrown in for good measure. Concluding that life on Earth was a big nothing devoid of relevant consequence, the dead-eyed monster would wipe out the members of a remote, mountain-based gymnasium, adopting a diet of anabolic steroids and monkey hormones in his tireless pursuit of indestructible mass. In the space of a year Voorhees would grow from a child into a seven-foot tower of vengeful muscle. Retribution was just around the corner. 

Man acts as though he were the shaper and master of language, and so I present to man the bluntest and deadliest of objects! – Jason Voorhees

Jason would spend more than a decade stalking the wilderness, his painstaking philosophical musings eased by the promise of an annual bloodbath. While men and gods toiled over the finer details of what it is to be human, beer-swilling, sex-crazed adolescents would pay the ultimate price, and sales at local hardware stores would soar exponentially.

Jason Voorhees

Jason’s mind was often elsewhere.

Although emotionally impervious, Jason would experience his fair share of physical pain too- repeated gunshots, live burials and boat propellers to the face are no walk in the park – but such was his spiritual resolve that the man grew truly invincible, transcending the flesh-bound laws of the human race. Inevitably, this would rob him of the will to live. He would try to form relationships with women, he really would, but there was always a weapon of some description at hand, and when future nemesis Fred Krueger’s ticket to hell failed to extinguish his Earthly carriage, the world’s most notorious serial killer would take a hard-earned sabbatical.

And as for the future…

After surrendering to a government research facility for extermination in 2010, Jason was heartbroken to discover that there was no conceivable method for his disposal. Unable to stem the tide of his countless victims, the government would place the notorious killer in frozen stasis, figuring that a cryogenic state was their best recourse in bringing an end to the madness. For hundreds of years their plan proved successful as Jason was bound to the database of historical legend. His pain, it seemed, was finally at an end.

Almost five centuries later during a space-bound field trip, Jason would have his cryogenic pod activated by a bunch of lousy B-movie actors. Faced with a crew of leering dipshits as his body slowly thawed, Jason would be driven to several lifetimes of maniacal bloodlust, finally becoming stranded on Earth 2, a carbon copy of the now polluted Earth and a place which brought back many unwanted memories. For years Jason was doomed to repeat history, the advanced technology of his victims proving enough of a challenge for him to continue on in the only way he knew how, but eventually he would tire of the same old carnage, and those familiar pangs of lethargy would take hold.

After discovering very few relevant Earth 2 philosophies, Jason would turn his hand to the wonders of modern science in an attempt to allay his boredom, creating a miniature universe upon which he would place much hope. But all roads would lead to the same monotonous cul-de-sac, and by the beginning of the 26th century the immortal Mr Voorhees had been reduced to cloning a miniature Jason in order to satisfy those habitual urges, unleashing him on the residents of his pint-sized genesis, familiar creatures of a certain age who had long since descended into mindless, drunken debauchery.

Jason Voorhees

Cedric Smarts


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