Name: John Matrix
Occupation: Retired Special Ops Commando and all-out war machine.
Likes: Unadulterated mass murder, inane one-liners, his daughter Jenny, log chopping, deer feeding, balloon swinging, ultra-tight swimming trunks, unreserved exhibitions of hypermasculinity, chopper smelling, easily visible movie cables.
Dislikes: Latin dictators, Boy George, Jenny’s jelly and mayonnaise sandwiches, long-sleeved shirts, complex security codes, doors, mustachioed movie extras, comprehensible pronunciation, communism, fat Freddy Mercury lookalikes.
Where John Matrix came from, the Communists said Rock and Roll was subversive, which not only gives credence to the origin of his English name, but also explains his dislike for all things Boy George – or ‘Gorrrl George’ as our musclebound hero refers to him.
Keeping the cold, hard-edged attitude but dumping the Commie philosophies, Matrix would use his inane charm to escape the iron curtain and rise to the very top of the US Elite forces, honouring his Capitalist comrades with the unabashed chomping of Cuban cigars.
You know, when Rock and Roll came to East Germany, the Communists said it was subversive.’ – John Matrix
As a way to counterbalance his military bloodlust, Matrix would have a child named Jenny (Alyssa Milano), who was presumably the product of a test tube if her father’s wooden libido is anything to go by. Fighting the urge to kill on a daily basis, the giant oak would spend his subsequent retirement chopping down trees, procuring an exfoliating mask of sanity for bouts of deer feeding and ice-cream fights with his precious daughter, ‘Chenny’, running away in mock-submission and shouting ‘I surrender! I surrender!’ with his interminable Eastern drawl.
Major General Franklin Kirby – the smiling bastard who turned Matrix into the veritable maniac we all know and love – was well aware of this weakness, and used the well-being of Jenny to coax the big lump out of retirement for a homosexual feud with ex-brother-in-arms, Bennett (Vernon Wells), manipulating his one-man army into a farewell killing spree.
There Matrix would meet Los Angeles airhead Cindy (Rae Dawn Chong), wooing her with incentives such as kidnapping, armed-robbery, stalking and mass murder, offering nothing in the way of understanding or affection, while proving himself incapable of even a modicum of passion. He even had the baggage of a motherless teenage daughter, which has got to be hard for any young woman to contend with. All I can say is, thank heavens for his abundance of natural charisma.
‘Is there anything left for us?’ -Kirby
‘Just Bodies.’ – Matrix
Matrix would finally grow a pair and shoot down Kirby’s offer for a second career in murder, prioritising both his daughter and the veritable stranger who thought it would be a good idea to follow him to an offshore war zone somewhere in the South American jungle. The last anyone saw of the three of them they were heading back to LA through a no-fly zone in a stolen aircraft. The extent of this commando’s tactical astuteness never fails to leave one feeling astonished.
And as for the future…
Presuming they weren’t shot down on their journey home – in which case Matrix would have taken his makeshift family on another blood-soaked adventure – it is likely that our hero and his daughter would have returned to life on their private estate in the mountains of America. As for Cindy, after finding out that her beau was unequivocally homosexual, she would have almost certainly hit the cocaine-fuelled ’80’s club scene before accidentally falling pregnant and settling for a life of mediocrity. Once Jenny was off to college, however, it is very probable that Kirby would have tried his luck with his former protégé a second time, and there is only so long you can keep a sexually-repressed maniac like Matrix at bay.