Neon Maniacs (1986)

neon-maniacs-1986Tagline: There are 12 new reasons to be afraid of the dark…and every one of them is a killer.

Director: Joseph Mangine

Writer: Mark Patrick Carducci

Starring: Clyde Hayes, Leilani Sarelle, Donna Locke, Victor Brandt, David Muir, Marta Kober, P.R. Paul, Jeff Tyler, Amber Denyse Austin, James Acheson, Chuck Hemingway, Bo Sabato, Jessie Lawrence Ferguson, John Lafayette, Gene Bicknell

18 | 91 min | Horror

Budget: $ 1,500,000


Review

At some point during the mid 1980’s the whole world turned neon.

Every boiler room shootout or smoke strewn alleyway inexplicably glowed with it. We had neon fashion, neon nightclubs and cocktails. We even had a fifty-eight year old Roger Moore shooting Lasers at neon painted women in one of the most underwhelming Bond movies of all time. Neon, it seemed, was on the verge of becoming passé.

Enter the Neon Maniacs.

In a year that was teeming with slasher movie sequels such as Jason Lives!, Psycho II and the interminable Texas Chainsaw Massacre II, Neon Maniacs was a breath of fresh air. That’s not to say that it was any good – far from it in fact- but it was at least original in the sense that it introduced not one, but twelve new antagonists to the horror lexicon.

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It began with a nose job and just escalated from there.

The Neon Maniacs, as far as I can gather, are a mishmash of periodically ambiguous creatures reminiscent of the He-Man action figure range of the same era. With names such as Ape, Archer, Axe, Decapitator and Hangman, they are more Return of the Living Dead than The Hills Have Eyes, with an undercurrent of humour that is, at least in part, intentional.

But don’t let their comical antics fool you – for every bumbling ape man there is a demented zombie doctor with a penchant for human organs – and the Maniacs make short work of a group of teenagers within the first fifteen minutes of the movie, hanging one kid from a tree and decapitating another mid-fellatio.

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The dangers of getting head off a mannequin.

After the carnage settles, heroine Natalie (Sarelle) is the only remaining survivor, and since the brutalised bodies of her former friends have mysteriously vanished, the neon ooze the Maniacs left in their wake is the only remaining evidence, a toxic substance which is safely stored away in an easy seal sandwich bag. Unfortunately, this just isn’t enough to convince the predictably dubious San Francisco police force, who for some reason find it hard to believe that a gang of grossly deformed mutants have been residing in a tower of the Golden Gate Bridge while they’ve been out eating doughnuts.

To be fair to the cops, the Neon Maniacs only seem to come out when the respectable adults of suburban America are tucked up safely in their beds, and reserve their bloodlust for loaded teenagers and vagrants who conveniently slip under the social radar. Why the Maniacs only have eyes for teenagers is never explained. Michael Myers longed to return to the scene of his first murder, Krueger and Voorhees sought revenge for being burned and drowned respectively, but as for the Maniacs…I can only assume that the movie’s producers managed to convince them that it would make a sound marketing strategy.

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Paula went on to present Blue Peter…

Fortunately for Natalie, there are two people who believe her – her classmate Steven (Hayes), and a strange, horror movie obsessed girl named Paula (Locke), who looks about twenty-five but dresses and acts like a twelve year old.

Since Natalie is now firmly in self-denial, Paula decides to take matters into her own hands and follows the slime trail to the Golden Gate Bridge, where, being an aspiring cinematographer, she decides to film the Maniacs. It is there that Paula discovers their Achilles heel: water – which is presumably why the neon ones decided to frequent the San Francisco Bay Area in the first place – and by the time Paula disposes of one of the Maniacs by means of the family shower, you begin to envisage a solution to her previously hopeless predicament.

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…while The Outlaws would headline Top of the Pops.

With the cops still refusing to play hardball, Paula then decides to arm the students of her high school with fully loaded water pistols, assuming that the neon ones will show up to the annual ‘Battle of the Bands’ event, where local musicians rock like pussies and the geographically sound Maniacs show incredible intuition by seeking out their prey, before inevitably being splashed into oblivion.



Best Kill

There are a few corkers here: a brutal spearing, the deranged doctor’s removal of a human heart and the desperately lewd blowjob decapitation to name but a few, but for pure absurdity I have to go with the oblivious subway engineer’s skull crushing, which somehow turns his head into a steaming kettle.

Most Absurd Moment

After the subway engineer is swiftly disposed of, one of the Maniacs takes his place as head of the subway train, and is so excited by his new role that he becomes estranged from his murderous brethren. Even more excited is the director, who insists on frequently cutting back to a shot of the Maniac jumping around in his seat like a hyperactive infant on a roller-coaster. Godspeed, my neon friend!

Most Absurd Dialogue

Devin: What is that?

Carson: Gook, slime…nobody knows yet. Forensics found it all around here.


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rtape rtape rtape rtape btape

Not quite a five star cheesefest, but there are enough plot holes to create a particularly pungent aroma. In space, no one can hear you scream, but when it rains in San Francisco, screaming is just not that necessary.

Cedric Smarts


 

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