Tagline: They’re Gonna Love You … ‘Til You’re Dead!
Director: Tim Kincaid
Writer: Tim Kincaid
Starring: Teresa Farley, Lance Lewman, France Raines, Natalie O’Connell, Amy Bretano, LeeAnne Baker, Matt Mitler, Adriane Lee, Mae Cerar, Mark Legan, Dan Geffen, Pat Rizzolino, Derek Dupont
18 1hr 17mins Horror/Sci-Fi
Breeders is like one of those old monster movies with a giant erection.
Another in a long line of exploitation flicks given the Blu-ray treatment, it is the story of a giant fly who sets about raping a cast of airheaded delectables with the intention of expanding its species. Able to take the form of any human it comes into contact with, it seeks out virgin victims and impregnates them with a black, gooey substance, while using acid to burn them for reasons which are never quite explained.
As it happens, much of what transpires in Breeders is never explained. Where did this giant fly come from? What is its purpose once it breeds and how exactly are its offspring born? All of this is sacrificed for unrelenting and brainless nudity, nudity so excessive that women walk around hospitals and underground caves in the buff, while models skip lunch invitations to snort cocaine and dance around naked for no apparent reason. When virgins are not being raped by our resident insect miscreant, they are attacked by random strangers instead. When there are no random strangers with an itch for molestation, the void is instead filled by tales of women who were raped years earlier in completely unrelated incidents, and before long you find yourself subliminally thinking about rape in a way that is grossly unhealthy.
If you are hopelessly perverse with absolutely no sexual outlet, then you will probably enjoy Breeders; in fact, you will enjoy it a lot. But there are other reasons to like the movie, all of which falling under the ‘so dire it’s hilarious’ category. The fly itself is quite ridiculous, a cross between a Xenomorph and the bug-eyed creature from 1958’s ludicrous sci-fi effort The Fly. Of course, without Hollywood’s millions to fall back on, our antagonist is nothing more than a man in a black bodysuit with a goofy looking head, and it is impossible not to laugh as you watch the poor fellow they hired theatrically creeping around like a swag-sporting crook in a silent movie, albeit a sexually deranged one.
This is acting at its most abortive, with the most unconvincing female doctor you are ever likely to find and a grossly inept detective leading the aimless, yet ultimately successful investigations. Detective Dale Andriotti’s dialogue is so clumsy and offensive that you feel yourself cringing every time he opens his mouth, while love interest Dr Gamble Pace spends most of her time looking as if she is reading lines off cue cards which have been taped to cinematic blind spots.
After being subjected to the harsh breeding process of their insect tormentor, our sexy victims experience a brief moment of recollection before succumbing to self-induced amnesia and slipping into a catatonic state. Upon waking, they become rather murderous and seek out the underground cave where they converge for some kind of ludicrous nest-bound orgy, lathering themselves with insect goo for reasons that, once again, are never really explained.
From the highly dubious and confusing reveal (one of Gamble’s medical colleagues is in cahoots with the fly, presumably after meeting him at a single’s bar) events in the cave threaten to result in the rebirth of a dying alien species, or something along those lines.
If anyone is able to explain things further, please feel free to contact me.
Stumbling upon a human rapist who just happens to be in the neighbourhood, our acid-spewing creature turns slasher by procuring a knife and slicing the virile intruder’s eyeball before claiming his prize.
Most Absurd Moment
Questioned about his personal interest in the series of rapes besieging the city, Detective Dale Andriotti explains to Doctor Gamble Pace that his sister was also raped when he was a small boy, and how he watched her ‘go from a happy teenager to a closed-up old lady in one day’. Obviously seeing an opening, he then asks her out to dinner in the very next breath. Not finding anything strange or inappropriate about the detective’s timing, Doctor Pace readily accepts his invitation.
Most Absurd Dialogue
Investigating one of an overabundance of rapes, Detective Andriotti is led to believe that photography assistant Ted is responsible. However, his female colleague Gail seems unconvinced.
Gail: Detective, Ted couldn’t have done it. He lives with his mother. Detective!
Detective Andriotti: Yeah?
Gail: I guess I’m not making myself clear. Ted is gay.
Detective Andriotti: Maybe. Or maybe just real clever.
Breeders is a pornographic Alien rip-off dripping with stilted perversion, one so ridiculous it is hard to get offended by its sleazy degradation. If you are the type of person who finds a peculiar artistry in hokey special effects and absurd plotting, you may want to take a look. If, on the other hand, you have a tendency to stalk strangers and are unusually intrigued by the nature of serial killers, I suggest you stay away. For your own sake.
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