VHS Revival examines some of Hollywood’s most absurd sexual depictions
While watching the movie Roadhouse the other night, I decided to take a trip down memory lane and revisit several films to view their sex scenes. Why would I do this? Easy, I needed a good laugh.
For whatever reason, Hollywood seems to think that the average person is a yogi or contortionist. Sex scenes are designed to raise the room temperature, not create a potential ER visit. For example, one of the best scenes ever, in my opinion, is in the movie Body Heat.
It is a hot and steamy Florida night. Kathleen Turner stands outside her house telling William Hurt that he should go. However, you can tell that really isn’t her intention. As Hurt struggles with his internal demons, he throws caution to the wind and goes back to the house. He peers in at Turner who is giving him a very distinct “come hither” stare. Hurt tries the door. Of course, it is locked and Kathleen makes no move to open it. What does William do? He picks up a lawn chair and breaks the sliding glass doors to get to her. They embrace passionately and start kissing.
This is one of the steamiest scenes in cinema as far as I am concerned. To other people, this might be a felony. I am willing to overlook the obvious breaking and entering because, let’s face it, Kathleen is practically beckoning William Hurt to come and get her.
Now that we have discussed the real deal, let’s turn our attention to my top contenders for the most ridiculous sex scenes of all time.
Patrick Swayze hoists Kelly Lynch up against the stone wall of his fireplace. We are supposed to be amazed at his prowess and vigor. After all, he is supporting her and they are getting busy against a wall, for crying out loud! The look on Kelly’s face is wonderful because I am fairly certain she was one step away from getting concussed.
This Paul Verhoeven/Joe Eszterhas bonanza stars Elizabeth Berkley and Kyle MacLachlan. In one scene, Kyle and Elizabeth are in a pool. They start to get busy and this results in Berkley looking like she is having some sort of seizure. Trust me it is hysterical and totally unrealistic.
Michael Douglas and Sharon Stone hook up in this thriller. This is another flick from the dynamic duo of Paul Verhoeven/Joe Eszterhas. In the middle of the dance floor, in a packed club, Sharon is doing some dirty dancing with her girlfriend. She sees Douglas lurking and looking at her lustfully so the two decide to put on a show for him. He takes Sharon away from her gal pal and the two are practically doing the horizontal mambo on the dance floor. Frankly, I was surprised they didn’t just fall to the ground and start going at it.
Surprise! Another Joe Eszterhas penned script. I believe a pattern is emerging here. In this little number, Linda Fiorentino is seducing David Caruso on a couch. She straddles him awkwardly, narrowly missing important bits with her stiletto heels. As a result, Caruso turns into a bumbling junior high school boy and starts trying to put his arms around her. He ends up looking highly uncoordinated. I almost expected him to put some shades on and utter a cheesy one liner. Not sexy. Not at all.
Body of Evidence
Madonna attempts to be Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct and fails miserably. So, she takes Willem Dafoe back to her place. They end up on the stairs and then they start ripping each other’s clothes off. Finally, in the bedroom, Madonna proceeds to bind Willem with his belt. Since he can’t move, she proceeds to drip candle wax all over his body. Okay, for the record, wax is not fun. It is not sexy and it hurts pretty bad killing any mood you might be hoping for, just trust me on that one. Once again, I was laughing hysterically. Between the bad acting and the crazy situation, this flick definitely tops my list for the worst sex scene in recent years.
There you have it. I am almost anticipating that emergency calls would be made in some of these situations. The explanations would be priceless, I am sure.