Let’s Make Bad Decisions or How to Not Plan a Vacation- The Hollywood Edition

The-Evil-Dead-Basement-Dweller

VHS Revival highlights the pitfalls of silver screen vacations.


I realize this title is pretty verbose but I liked the sound of it so I will apologize beforehand. Now that I have gotten that out of the way, it’s almost the end of summer. However, there is still time to plan that critical vacay.

Let’s face it. You are overworked, underpaid and probably needing to slip away to some tropical paradise with cabana girls and boys sipping some sort of rum concoction or a nice, cool, refreshing Mojito. That’s understandable. I thoroughly support the holiday in an exotic locale.

With your job, your kids and other real-life dilemmas, you probably don’t have time to plan the perfect getaway. Don’t fear! I can assist. I am a professional. My years of watching movies has prepared me for every imaginable situation. Join me as we go hunting for the perfect vacation abode.


AD

Reasonably priced, cozy, secluded cabin in the mountains of Tennessee for rent. Looks small on the outside but roomier on the inside. If you like rustic settings and charming vistas, this place is for you! Lots of storage in the cellar, fully furnished. Call now to book your stay.


Okay. First of all, I have seen all of the Evil Dead incarnations. In order to get to this place, you are going to have cross a rickety ass bridge from the 1800s which is very sketchy. While this whole idea sounds romantic, Linda, you and Ash just might want to think about heading to Jacksonville. Which come to think about it, is also kind of sleazy.

Evil Dead Bridge

While all of this may seem lovely, trust me, ads can be deceiving. If you fancy horny trees (I’m looking at you, Cheryl) and not to mention unexpected guests in the cellar, then by all means, have at it!

If you do end up taking this offer, do not mess with that ancient reel-to-reel tape recorder from 1952. Nothing good will come of it. Oh, and that book on the desk. It is NOT a Bible. Trust me. You don’t want to read from it.

Ash.  ASH!!!!! Put that book down! Crap….


AD

A real steal in a beautiful section of Amityville, this French style colonial comes with a charming boat house. Old world charm with acres of land perfect for a new family, and plenty of chances to bond with nature. Surprise storage room in the cellar and a new friend for the kids named Jody. Rent now!


I realize this place is huge. Those windows in the attic are pretty awesome. It’s right on the Amityville River so plenty of time for boating and water sports. Everything is tempting. Don’t give in, Kathy and George.

This house is going to be a handy man’s dream. The windows inexplicably won’t open and then suddenly they come crashing down on someone’s hand. There is a bad smell and tons of flies.

Amityville House

Oh, yeah. Before I forget, there is a plumbing problem. Black goo will bubble up out of the toilet like Samara from the well in the Ring. Not to mention the blood that drips down the walls will be a nightmare to clean up!

By the way, I don’t know if this is worth mentioning but some murders took place in this house. I guess it’s a deal breaker. Unless you want George to start progressively looking like the Caveman in the old Geico commercials, Kathy, you should probably pass on this one.


AD

Breathtaking mansion for rent in upstate New York. Many rooms, stunning landscape and a pool! Perfect for those lazy, hazy days of summer. Oh, and there is a portion of the house that is off limits, Ben and Marian, so you may want to have the kids steer clear of it. Mrs. Allardyce does not want to be disturbed.


In my mind, Burnt Offerings is an underrated horror flick. Top notch actors like Oliver Reed, the late greats Karen Black and Bette Davis gave wonderful performances. Of course, that palatial estate is ridiculous!

Let’s not forget the pool has a mind of its own, so you may want to proceed with caution. Like the roach motel, you can get in but you can’t get out! It’s summer and with activities at an all-time high, people are bound to get injured. However, the body count at this summer house is insane. Plus, that creepy old woman that no one ever sees is enough for me to not recommend this Willy Wonka House of Horrors.

BurntOfferingsArtHouse

I hope my research was valuable. In the end, it’s up to you. You can make a bad decision or you can heed my advice from countless hours spent watching films. The choice is up to you. Have a great holiday!

Susan Leighton


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