A Mixed Bag of On-Screen Baddies

Mola Ram

Here we go. Another top ten list. They can be a dicey thing. We all have our opinions on what is considered the best of the best. Well, here’s some of my favorite bad guys this side of the silver screen. Let’s do the underdog thing here.

10. Ming the Merciless/Flash Gordon


I’d like to play with things for awhile.

Things to play with. That’s all we are to some.

Using our own planet for his own personal amusement, the Merciless Ming rained hellfire (literally) on the earth by taking his time to torture us to death with really really bad weather—instead of just blowing us up straight away Darth Vader-style. That’s just too easy for a man who has a thing for the ball worms. Ming, being the “man” that he is, gives us a convenient countdown to total destruction, laughing his maniacal cackle every step of the way, until a certain quarter back from the New York Jets steps in to stop him … or did he? We’re still waiting on that sequel.

9. Xur/The Last Starfighter


Only I will give the order to fire!

Nothing but a Ko-dan sympathizer and traitor to his own race, Xur would happily slaughter his own kind without blinking an eye, in exchange for a cool-looking scepter and a seat on the bridge of his own people’s sworn enemy. Benedict Arnold has nothing on this balding alien who, unfortunately, has no eyebrows and has to hang out with two Draconian-looking dudes and stare at blinking-light computer boards the whole movie. Current whereabouts unknown.

8. Cole Wittier/Bachelor Party


More uhhh … persuasive action?

Anybody that would attempt to put an arrow through Tom Hanks’ more-than-likable character Rick Gassco in the classic party flick Bachelor Party is Public Enemy Number One in my book. Attempted murder, kidnapping, intimidation, these are the actions of a masochistic, upper-class maniac, especially when you consider it’s all so he can win back his girlfriend from our hero. Only thing is, she detests him. Cole is not too bright, obviously, and gets exactly what he deserves as the fellas trick-out his Porsche, jump and pounce on him a little, strip him naked, then hang him from a window where he eventually falls to what should have been his death. But as we all know, true evil never dies.

7. Porky/Porky’s


 I personally am gonna kick your candy-asses back to Angel Beach.

What’s worse than cock-blocking? Taking horny teenagers money before hand. But that’s his style. Denier of orgasims, and brother to the corrupt Sheriff Wallace, Porky was a massive, nasty-ass redneck who you would not want to tangle ass with. There’s really nothing more to say.

6. Mola Ram/Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom


You dare not do that.

It’s a good thing we don’t all take our holy books as literal as the next man on our list. Crazed cult leader, abuser of small children, and practitioner of the “dark stuff,” Mola Ram will rip your heart from your chest while it’s still beating, right before dipping you into a lake of fire during a pep rally. The evil force at the heart of one of the greatest movies ever, Mola Ram makes Charles Manson look like Barney. With his love for voodoo, child labor, torture, and a crazy amusement park ride in his underground lair, Mola Ram doesn’t get near the credit he deserves.

5. Fraker/Death Wish III


I always win.

Being a white guy with freckles and red hair can be extremely tough on you, especially if you are in an inner-city gang. Your looks alone could get you killed in that crowd. But that doesn’t concern Fraker. As far as he’s concerned, he is the sticker, and you are the sticky.

4. O’Bannion/Dazed and Confused


Woo! You boys ready to bust some ass?

Remember that one jerk in high school who took a little bit too much pleasure in initiating freshman? I do too. Ben Affleck’s O’bannion is that dick. Possibly flunking his senior year on purpose, O’bannion stays back a grade to cruise town in his primer-coated  muscle car in search of younglings to beat on.

3. Brad Wesley/Road House

Brad Wesley

I swear, he does that just to piss me off.


Brad Wesley.

Just because the 7-11, mall, Photo-mat, and possibly the JCPenny (big woof) came to Jasper, supposedly because of you, that doesn’t give you the right to hire a man that used to “f**k guys in prison” and have him terrorize people. But that’s exactly what this villain does. Owner of a Bigfoot truck, a blond bimbo with a black eye, and a fat guy named Tiny, Brad Wesley reigned terror on the not-so-innocent town of Jasper without a shred of mercy. A power-hungry, self-entitled douche bag that already had it all; he just couldn’t stop until he finally picked on the wrong man. RIP.

2. Roy L. Fuchs/Used Cars


I’m Roy L. Fuchs, goddamn it!

Who the hell is Roy L. Fuchs? Well, let me tell you. He’s an evil car salesman (duh) that will eliminate the competition by any means necessary, even if that means he has to kill the owner of the lot across the street: his own flesh-and-blood brother. Armed with corrupt politicians, ugly leisure suits, and a serious distaste for Kurt Russell, Roy Fuchs was a fantastic villain in this comedy classic from the seventies, and he can go up against the worst of them. Kudos to Jack Warden for playing both the part of Roy and his brother Lou. Fantastic!

1. Ramrod/Vice Squad


Lesson number one, Ginger.

Cruising Hollywood Boulevard, beating hookers to death, castrating pimps, just another night in the life of Wing Hauser’s Ramrod. A badass redneck-pimp with a penchant for violence, domestic or otherwise, Ramrod steals the show in Vice Squad. Complete with western wear, a violent attitude, and a larger-than-life switchblade, Wing’s intensity in the role is what makes his performance stand out so much; he just oozes slimeball. He’s intimidating as hell, cruel, and smiles at others’ pain (which he is usually inflicting) in a way that makes you believe he’s actually enjoying it all. A serious contender for a Mr. Nasty.

Brad McCormick

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