976-Evil (1988)

After mainstream success as the fritter-faced Fred Krueger, Robert Englund swapped his razor-fingered glove for the camera, making his directorial bow with supernatural horror 976-Evil. Thankfully, Englund’s was a short-lived career.

That’s not to say the movie is terrible. It is adequate. Unspectacular. Banished to mediocrity by cheap sets and bad special effects. But the main problem is the total lack of scares on offer. For all the gore and the violence, this never really feels like a horror movie. There is nobody to care about, nobody to root for, and, most importantly, nobody to fear […]

Read Article →

Blind Fury (1989)

Rutger Hauer is a very unique talent.

Not only did he dazzle with his famous ad-libbed monologue as the queerly sympathetic Roy Batty in Ridley Scott’s Blade Runner, he scared the living crap out of us as the psychotic John Ryder in The Hitcher. A few years later he starred in Blind Fury, the kind of tongue-in-cheek action extravaganza most associated with the likes of Arnold Schwarzenegger, and he did a mighty fine job of it too, slipping into the role with the kind of consummate ease […]

Read Article →

Happy Birthday to Me (1981)

Happy Birthday to Me is a unique entry in an infamously uninventive sub-genre.

Then Canada’s highest grossing movie to date, many of its positives are purposeful, others not so much, but even its patchy moments are unique in their own right, making this one of the superior efforts in the slasher cannon. Made before the genre slipped into the kind of post-certificate self-parody that has no use for genuine acting, the movie stars Little House in the Prairie’s Melissa Sue Anderson, her angelic image proving quite the juxtapose, while legendary […]

Read Article →

No Hold Barred (1987)

Make no mistake about it, No Holds Barred is an abomination of a movie.

In cinematic terms, it is bereft of even the smallest redemptive quality. It is steaming quagmire of puerile stereotypes, incredulously dire acting and a narrative that even an infant would get tired of past the almost ceaseless flatulence-based jokes that attempt to pass for comedy. Woeful leading man? Check. Imbecilic antagonist? Check. Belching waitress, cross-eyed, tobacco chewing hicks, a henchman who shits in his pants and squeals ‘dookie’ like a mentally challenged infant? Check, check and double check […]

Read Article →

The Immortalizer (1989)

Move over, Dr Frankenstein, there’s a new re-animator in town.

His name is Dr Devine, and in his business a mishmash of body parts will not suffice. Everybody has dreamed of eternal youth, but for those who are uninterested in being turned into a plastic zombie, our crazed innovator has dreamed up a mind-boggling alternative – providing you are hideously wealthy and bereft of all human emotion […]

Read Article →

The Karate Kid Part III (1989)

The mark of a good sequel is that it offers elements which are new and rewarding.

The first Karate Kid movie was one of the surprise hits of 1985, and one that famous critic Roger Ebert correctly predicted would earn itself a Best Supporting Actor nomination at the 56th Annual Academy Awards ceremony, much to the mocking delight of fellow reviewer and long-time competitor Gene Siskel […]

Read Article →

Miami Connection (1987)

After almost three decades of obsolescence cult martial arts movie Miami Connection was rescued from obscurity by Drafthouse Films, a heaven-sent distribution company who claim to ‘destroy the barriers between grindhouse and art-house’, and let me be the first to thank them.

Miami Connection is that age-old story of an ’80’s syth-rock band who spend their spare time taking down international drug syndicates with some everyday street-bound Taekwondo […]

Read Article →