Howling II: Stirba – Werewolf Bitch (1985)

Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf is as ridiculous as it sounds, but not half as bad as people tend to make out.

Okay, it is wholly ridiculous: a heady blend of MTV pop music videos, New Wave eroticism and classic Hammer Horror, but unlike hundreds of other efforts floating around in the ‘bad movie’ afterlife, you’ll be hard pressed to call it boring. In fact, it is positively spellbinding in its presentation, a movie with eschews logicality in favour of a visceral experience of shallow exhibitionism…

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Uninvited (1988)

In the history of cinema, Creature Features are as old as time.

Looking back, we’ve had some pretty intimidating screen monsters throughout the years, icons such as Godzilla and King Kong, the kind of monumental beasts who savaged entire cities, and who even showed themselves capable of emotional depth, resulting in some of film’s most interesting and influential instances of catharsis…

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Soldier Boyz (1995)

When it comes to plot lines, you would be hard pressed to find one as improbable as that featured in Soldier Boyz.

Not only are the film’s events about as detached from reality as The Naked Gun, its characters are just as trite and predictable, so hammy that you sometimes forget this is an action movie and not a straight up spoof. Even more amazing is the fact that Louis Morneau’s slice of puerile patriotism harbours delusions of social commentary, masquerading as a cultural melting pot as America’s gangland minorities team up to take on an even more foreign, and therefore evil race of people…

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Breeders (1986)

Breeders is like one of those old monster movies with a giant erection.

Another in a long line of exploitation flicks given the bluray treatment, it is the story of a giant fly who sets about raping a cast of airheaded delectables with the intention of expanding its species. Able to take the form of any human it comes into contact with, it seeks out virgin victims and impregnates them with a black, gooey substance, while using acid to burn them for reasons which are never quite explained…

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Pieces (1982)

B-movie slashers – once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all, right?

If you’re judging them in terms of originality, then yes, they are all very much the same – particularly those from the early part of the 1980s before censorship hysteria shackled the industry. In regards to technique, they are invariably cheap rip-offs of John Carpenter’s genre-defining Halloween, movies in which a masked killer stalks promiscuous teens through a series of heavily contrived set-pieces, while a perverted revelation draws ever nearer…

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American Ninja (1985)

Michael Dudikoff wasn’t much of a ninja. Come to think of it, he wasn’t much of an actor either. But for a brief period during the mid-1980’s he became a hero to kids the world over, and he owes it all to American Ninja.

For me, American Ninja is the defining movie of the oft memorable Cannon Group, who churned out ultra-violent schlock by the bucket load. This was cheap production, nonsensical storytelling, and some of the stiffest, most unmemorable acting of a generation, but there was something there; there had to be…

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Chopping Mall (1986)

Long before Amazon and Facebook turned us all into hermits, shopping malls were our cultural epicentre.

Each weekend teenagers would flock in their legions, hanging out at their favourite arcades or fast food restaurants and marvelling at the colourful array of consumer products that were not yet accessible at the click of a touchpad. Inevitably, these monuments to consumerism became schoolyards away from home…

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