Director: Richard Park (Park Woo-Sang)
18 | 1h 27 min | Action, Martial Arts
Some movies are just plain bad, proving unwatchable to the point that you struggle to make it through the first ten minutes. Others prove hilarious, despite being completely devoid of wit, falling under that ever elusive yet surprisingly abundant ‘so bad it’s good’ category. Some deserve special attention, tickling you in such a way that you laugh harder than you would watching an actual, honest to goodness comedy. Then there’s Miami Connection. I’ve experienced classic bad movies such as The Room, Troll 2 and Battlefield Earth, but Miami Connection may be the most fun I’ve had in the farther reaches of cinematic claptrap. It’s right up there with Samurai Cop and Ninja III: The Domination in the sense that it’s sometimes hard to fathom exactly what it is that you are experiencing.
Like the best bad movies, Miami Connection feels like the product of something otherworldly. You sometimes wonder if the whole cast has been secretly inhabited by an alien lifeform that perfectly mimics the human race while lacking the inner substance to truly convince. Sometimes suspicion transcends cast members and infects the film’s crew. As a quick example, some of the movie’s main characters are named John, Jeff, Jane, Jack and Jim (try saying that ten times over as fast as you can). Who on Earth would come up with a list of names so confusing? No one human, you would suspect. It was hard enough retaining the information for this review, so I can only imagine the confusion of those who were involved in the creative process. It’s a fundamental indicator of Miami Connection‘s uniquely hectic brand of B-movie madness.
Miami Connection‘s development was no less of a whirlwind affair. Producer and star performer, taekwondo practitioner and Orlando Grandmaster Y.K. Kim, was a complete novice on all fronts who was naïve enough to believe that what he had on his hands was a Hollywood blockbuster that would fulfil his dream of promoting exciting martial arts action. This was the 80s, a decade that saw the almost equally unsophisticated Golan-Globus achieve borderline mainstream success with the newly acquired Cannon Films, which churned out relatively successful martial arts movies for fun, utilizing a similarly ramshackle approach to production, so you can’t blame him for dreaming big. So convinced was Kim of Miami Connection‘s cinematic potential that he borrowed from friends, took out loans, blew all of his savings and even mortgaged his taekwondo school to finance it, which inevitably almost bankrupted him. If nothing else, you have to admire the balls on this guy.
Unsurprisingly for anyone who was not so heavily invested in the project’s success, Miami Connection was rejected by hundreds, yes hundreds, of potential distributors and film studios, who quickly realised that rookie Kim had absolutely no idea what he was doing. “A very famous action movie director named Richard Park watched my performance in his home,” Kim would recall. “He immediately planned a trip to Orlando, where I had my martial arts school, to meet me. … I was so excited – like a teenager – to produce a movie and become a famous action-movie star. I felt my dream was becoming a reality… Every distribution company rejected it after screening and said to me, ‘Don’t waste your time. Just throw it away; it is trash.” The movie, eventually distributed by Manson International following a production cost of approximately $1,000,000, was received so poorly that its limited theatrical run ended after just three weeks. Luckily for Kim, when movies are this uniquely bad, there’s generally a silver lining, particularly when it comes to 80s nostalgia.
In an era in which pretty much any 80s property seems worthy of a sparkling new print, Miami Connection would reach the cult movie promised land more than two decades after its disastrous initial release. Alamo Drafthouse Cinema programmer Zack Carlson was the film’s unlikely saviour, having bought the movie on ebay for $50. After a positive screening in Austin, Texas in 2009, it was ultimately picked up for re-distribution by Drafthouse Films. This was despite resistance from Kim, who understandably imagined that the whole idea was some kind of hoax. The film was eventually re-released in 2010 and, according to Slant Magazine’s Rob Humanick, was met with an “immense, almost transcendent,” reaction, “leading to encore presentations and ultimately a limited re-release.” This would lead to an incredible renaissance for Kim and his cast and an unexpected reunion for the movie’s fictional band Dragon Sound, who would perform cult songs “Friends” and “Against the Ninja” at Fantastic Fest prior to the Miami Connection DVD release on December 11th 2012.
Miami Connection tells the age-old story of a taekwondo-practising rock band’s run-in with a gang of ruthless ninja assassins, one presented with the neon, MTV-inspired gusto of an amateur stage production of Westside Story by way of Bob Giraldi’s “Beat It”. This being 1980s Miami, cocaine is at the heart of everything, presumably both in front of and behind the camera. Tonally, it’s an absolute shitshow. One minute we’re basking in the pop culture opulence of a carefree synthpop performance, the next we’re mired in decapitated limbs and slashed torsos. Given its inability to truly define itself from a marketing perspective, it’s no wonder the movie was rejected so mercilessly. Adding to the weird blend of teenage-friendly entertainment and unabashed violence is the fact that the members of Dragon Sound are otherwise passive, good-natured students whose only goal is to rock out, have fun and tour the world in the hope of spreading international peace. Oh, and they’re orphans. Every last one of them. What are the odds?
Everything about this movie is playground level puerile in the most hilarious way imaginable. The movie’s central conflict hinges on Dragon Sound singer Jane’s relationship with boyfriend John and her jealous brother, Jeff, who as well as being the leader of a gang of biker hooligans is in business with head drug dealer Yashito and his gang of not-so non-conspicuous ninjas, who like the majority of their 80s brethren seem to forget the basic rules of stealth, sporting black shinobi shozoku outfits in broad daylight in densely populated suburban neighbourhoods. Jeff is simultaneously a drug-dealing thug and a pure sweetheart, selflessly putting his sister through university in-between massive drug deals and senseless acts of thuggery – just one instance of the blaring contradictions that cloud Miami Connection‘s screenplay like an ineptly fumbled torinoko smoke bomb. To say that Jeff is overprotective is the understatement of the century. His reaction to being introduced to Jane’s ‘friend’ John, having seen Dragon Sound perform at a local club, is about as overblown as an infant taking an actual rocket launcher to a peewee game of cops and robbers. “Friend?!” Jeff immediately exclaims, socking John right in the mouth. It’s one of the funniest moments in the entire movie.
In a world strewn with violent ninja clans and drug-dealing miscreants, Dragon Sound, a mild-mannered pop group with peaceful intentions, have somehow become public enemy number one on the mean streets of Miami. Jeff even vents his frustrations to the surprisingly empathetic drug-dealing ninja syndicate over a civilised round of tea, blaming “that damn Dragon Sound” for his sister’s supposedly wayward behaviour as of late. She’s a college student in a pop group playing local gigs in her spare time, you’re a dope-peddling thug for hire! What world are you living in?!!! The only threat that Dragon Sound pose to the city’s crime lords, as far as I can tell, are a couple of protest songs that, while surprisingly catchy, aren’t likely to be topping the pop charts anytime soon. “We will stop the senseless killing. We will end this evil war. We will stop the senseless killing. We’ll even up the score!”
Also miffed at Dragon Sound’s newfound popularity are a rival band who immediately confront the club’s owner for being usurped. Without even a hint of hyperbole, this may be the most awkward, ineptly performed scene in any movie in the history of the world. The dialogue, which makes very little sense to begin with, overlaps horribly. You can barely understand what’s being said. They sound drunk, illiterate and high on fentanyl after a month of sleep deprivation, like the word “action!” thrust them into an alternate dimension where ketamine substitutes for oxygen and dribbling is a widely acknowledged language. A rewind or two will reveal the most childish argument imaginable. It’s truly breathtaking. Naturally, the argument ends with a high-kicking melee, as everyone involved, like everyone else in this movie, seem to be schooled in martial arts for no particular reason.
When the band in question hire Jeff to beat up Dragon Sound, presumably so they can get their spot back (they best hope the club is under new ownership by then given their attitude), the stakes are raised, particularly when Mark (Kim) and the rest of the band overcome incredible odds and send Jeff’s wounded cronies packing. Jeff’s gang are pathetic. They always outnumber Dragon Sound by at least thirty to five and they barely land a punch. Getting wasted by a group of happy-go-lucky students can’t do much for their street cred. It’s amazing that another drug dealing biker gang hasn’t moved in on their turf. If I was looking to score, I’d certainly fancy my chances, and I’m not exactly Bruce Lee. One thing they do excel at is almost impossible levels of melodrama. You’ve never ever seen anyone die like this before.
Characters who supposedly have history act like they’ve never met each other in their lives. There’s a gobsmackingly expositional monologue during the opening ten minutes in which Jane outlines her entire life history to boyfriend, John, in one exhaustive spurt that reads like a shopping list. It’s impossibly tragic, yet delivered in such an unnatural fashion that you laugh the whole way through. Even the question is stilted to the point of silliness. “Jane, I was wondering,” he begins, completely out of the blue. “Do you have any family?” A moment earlier they were cracking jokes and making kissy faces like long-term sweethearts. You’re telling me that the subject of family never came up before? And what an odd question. “Do you get along with your family?” might have been more appropriate and believable, unless he simply presumes that she’s an orphan too. She is, of course, just like everyone else with any backstory in this movie. Maybe I should just shut my mouth.
Miami Connection tries so hard to tug at your heart strings, with ludicrously dramatic framing and maudlin musical cues, but the delivery is so unnaturally bad that it’s hopelessly sabotaged every single time. Other times, family members are slain and forgotten in the blink of an eye without a single tear shed, the recently bereaved cracking smiles in the very next frame. When Jane’s troublesome, morally conflicted brother and only remaining relative is pushed off an electrical pylon to his death during a massive battle royal with Dragon Sound, she immediately accepts her boyfriend’s apology and breezily moves on with her life. “It’s okay. I understand.” she glibly tells him. He best hope she is so understanding following their inevitable break-up in a month’s time.
Miami Connection‘s outrageously forced and manipulative sub-narrative more than makes up for such bizarre instances of coldheartedness. You could drown an entire village in the monsoon of cornball tears that are unleashed in-between bouts of unrestrained violence. During the second act, Jim receives a letter and is immediately harassed by the rest of Dragon Sound, who for no apparent reason suspect that it may contain something that will alter the course of the entire movie. The letter, which Jim reads in less than three seconds, concerns his long-lost father. If you consider straight-up abandonment long-lost. His father was in the navy in Korea. Maybe a ‘lost at war’ story might have been more appropriate and emotionally engaging, but this is Miami Connection we’re dealing with, so just deal with it and move on. The resulting monologue, staged like an episode of The Bold and the Beautiful on steroids, is the most sloppily delivered, melodramatic two minutes you are ever likely to witness. The fact that it remains the most convincing piece of acting in the entire film should have bad movie fans drooling.
When Dragon Sound’s lead guitarist, Tom, is kidnapped, Jim’s family reunion is put on hold, which of course can only spell disaster. After yelling, “Mark’s gonna get youuuuuuu!” from the boot of a car like a five-year-old falling headlong into a canyon (some of the ADR in this film will leave you bawling), Tom is tied up and tortured and the movie goes from saccharine to jarringly nasty in the time that it takes for Jim to read letters. The tonal shift is positively disconcerting. Necks are slit, ribs are crushed and heads are smashed in a bloodthirsty sword battle for the ages, one that sees Jim almost slashed in half in the lovely new suit that the band clubbed together to buy for him along with a plane ticket to see his pops. The carnage is mind-blowing.
As the movie drew to a close I had a sudden change of heart regarding the previously caring and carefree Dragon Sound. When push comes to shove, they can dish out the brutal slayings with the best of them, the perfect PR for their pending world peace tour. And where are the cops? Where are the concerned citizens? Dozens are chopped down in cold blood in broad daylight in an everyday suburban area, and for what, because a local band were miffed about being replaced as the nightly act in a lousy, second-rate nightclub? Can’t we all just get along?! Miami Connection ends with the completely earnest message “Only through the elimination of violence can we achieve world peace.” The nerve of these kids!
Top of the Pops
As terrible as Miami Connection is in traditional cinematic terms, Dragon Sound aren’t the worst band I’ve ever heard. In fact, ‘Friends’ and ‘Against the Ninja’, despite ludicrous themes and lyrics, are pretty memorable synth pop efforts. They’re not Prince and the Revolution, but you’ll be singing along to them long after the credits roll.
Aside from Kathie Collier (Jane) on vocals, I’m not exactly sure how many Dragon Sound band members are real musicians and how many are faking it. Lead guitarist Angelo Janotti (Tom) looks like the most likely composer. Bassist Vincent Hirsch (John) looks pretty suspect, while keys and drums remain a mystery.
One member who definitely can’t play a lick is rhythm guitarist Mark (Kim). He doesn’t even attempt to fake it to the extent that it looks like he’s trying his hardest not to appear competent. Half the time his fingers aren’t even on the fretboard. He also likes to let the guitar hang and swing from his neck, waving his arms in the air and jumping around like he’s been off snorting pixie sticks.
Kung-Fu Boo-Boos
Not only are Dragon Sound’s rival band pathetic for waging war over a paltry night club spot, they’re not exactly shy about advertising their pussy credentials, despite previously throwing their weight around. When they visit Jeff’s gang in search of vicarious retribution having had their asses handed to them by a bunch of college students, the entire ragtag crew sport a ludicrous array of dubiously placed bandages and plasters like a gang of mummies caught in a sandstorm.
The Naked Gun was never this dry.
Recon-cilliation
After being slashed to ribbons like one of the Elm Street kids, Jim is left for dead, which means that, at the very least, he’ll miss his scheduled flight to meet the father who abandoned him years ago for no good reason.
Luckily, an hour in the hospital and his near-fatal wound is completely healed. Oh, and his ex-navy father turns up, presumably by way of a teleportation machine.
All’s well that ends well.
Choice Dialogue
Miffed at their sudden usurping at a local night spot, four former house band members decide to confront the club’s owner. As you might except, their conversation is practical, civil and deeply intelligent:
Club Owner: Hey, what are you in here for, to waste my time?
Band Leader: (awkwardly overlapping) Look, bitch.
Club Owner: I thought I fired you once.
Band Leader: (awkwardly overlapping) Yeah, you fired me once because of goddamn Dragon Sound. That’s bullshit! They came in here to play goddamn songs for kids. Now, who you bullshittin?”
Club Owner: They play a lot better than you, man. Your music’s for old people.”
Band Leader: They play kiddie music.
Club Owner: (awkwardly overlapping) Your music’s for old people, buddy.
Band leader: Hey, Man. You don’t know what music’s all about.
Club Owner: I’ll tell you what, are you deaf? You sure don’t know how to play, I’ll tell you that.
Band leader: Kiss my ass!
Club Owner: That’s it, you’re history, buddy!
Band Leader: You’re full of shit!
I’m glad they sorted that out.
An exquisitely cackhanded blend of 80s pop bravado, ill-conceived violence and smack in the mouth melodrama,
Edison Smithis a bad movie buff’s wet dream. They don’t make them like this anymore.
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