Tagline: Thirteen inches… with an attitude
Director: Albert Pyun
Writers: Charles Band, David Pabian, Chris Roghair
Starring: Tim Thomerson, Jackie Earle Haley, Kamala Lopez, Humberto Ortiz, Nicholas Guest, Judd Omen, Michael Halsey
18 | 1h 22min | Action, Comedy, Horror
Is it a bird? It couldn’t be a plane; it’s way too small. Though it did travel from another galaxy. Perhaps it’s an alien, the kind of terrifying practical effects creation that wowed late 20th century audiences. Afraid not. This production doesn’t quite have the budget, a fact made apparent during the movie’s second act when an action figure is attached to the side of a bad guy’s car to simulate a small person ― I could hardly believe my eyes.
Dollman is a superhero of sorts. He doesn’t have any special powers (at least none I would call particularly special). He just comes from a planet where people are really small, a planet that looks red when viewed from outer space, only to have an atmosphere exactly like Earth’s during the movie’s mercifully succinct set-up. This may explain why that same planet later appears to be yellow, though my guess is these are blaring continuity fails that were presumably included as a budget necessity, and there are plenty of those to entertain you here; plenty of cheapo production quirks that are guaranteed to bring a smile to your face. There is stock footage everywhere in this movie. Two of the film’s scenes, taking place on Dollman’s native planet Arturos and Earth, respectively, seem to have been shot at the exact same location without any attempt to disguise the fact. The film’s trailer even nabs music straight from Robocop, and, as fans of Charles Band’s now defunct Full Moon Productions will no doubt tell you, it all works quite beautifully.
Dollman is 13 Earth inches tall. On Arturos he comes equipped with a “Kruger Blaster”, which is supposedly the most powerful gun in the universe. Back home, one shot is enough to make a person explode, and I don’t use the word Explode lightly. I’m talking big, quivering chunks of watermelon flesh, bodies splattered against rocks like abstract art made with human organs and a blender. Unfortunately, the weapon is far less emphatic when used on the gang of Bronx nogoodniks who our unlikely hero ultimately comes up against. That’s not to say our bite-sized protagonist is ineffective against opponents who are five-hundred times his size (when the crudely devised compositions allow as much). In fact, his trigger-happy escapades give Charlie Bronson’s perennial scourge Paul Kersey a run for his money, and there’s even something of a social conscience here, a commentary on the law’s maltreatment of inner-city minorities around the time of the infamous L.A. Riots. Forget New Jack City, Boyz N the Hood and Menace II Society. This is the ultimate ‘hood’ movie… well, the ultimate ‘hood’ movie crossover anyway.
Dollman’s real name is Brick Bardo, which probably gives you an indication of the kind of character we’re dealing with here. Sporting a grey buzz cut and dressed in a Bogart-style overcoat, Bardo is a transparent Dirty Harry knock-off who chases long-time nemesis Sprug through a wormhole that coincidentally leads to Earth, or at least what’s left of him. Thanks to a law that sees criminals lose body parts as punishment for crimes against humanity, Sprug is no more than a mechanically operated head which floats around pulling insane faces, spewing malevolent super villainy with the physical impotence of a slug in a salt blizzard (bear in mind, here on Earth that head is the size of a small tomato). Quite the predicament. Especially since Sprug is confined to a veritable wasteland which is almost certainly overrun by rats. I’m sure he’ll get by just fine.
For a while Sprug takes a backseat as Brick soon has other matters to take care of ― the non-celestial kind that require little-to-no budget. Single mum Debi Alejandro (Kamala Lopez) is sick and tired of local gangbangers running roughshod over her community (she even kicks the shit out of some dude loitering in her neighbourhood), and even more tired of a police force who have no intention of cleaning up the inner cities. If only a hero could rise from the ashes and take care of things the old fashioned way, perhaps someone from another planet who doesn’t have to worry about being fingered for taking his John Wayne act to the New York City streets. Not when you can simply hide him in a cookie jar and store his spaceship beneath son Kevin’s bed. The ship in question, carried under Debi’s arm like a Star Wars toy, is absolutely priceless.
After Brick disposes of a gaggle of gang members who attempt to set her ablaze with a can of gasoline, Debi doesn’t seem at all concerned by the miniature bad ass staring back up at her, nor by the fact that the shoddy green screen composite makes her look bigger than the full-scale construction site towering behind them. This isn’t an isolated incident. The cheapskate special effects are something to behold. Expect a lot of low and high-angle shots as director Albert Pyun, famous was schlocky sci-fi outings such as 1989‘s Jean-Claude Van Damme action vehicle Cyborg, does everything within his means to create the illusion of a tiny man in a land of giants. Sometimes it works, most of the time it doesn’t, but you have to admire the numerous shortcuts and budget-concealing tricks used to patch this thing together. In the realms of ‘bad’ movie fandom, it’s 82 minutes of glorious entertainment, a five-minute highlight reel tacked-on to expand the film’s running time notwithstanding.
Dollman is played by cult B-movie legend and Full Moon go-to guy Tim Thomerson. Thomerson had first unleashed his Rick Deckard-on-a-Z-budget-schtick in the similarly irresistible sci-fi escapade Trancers for Band’s previous, small-scale distribution company Empire International Pictures, and he absolutely owns this film, oozing cinematic cool with his action star impudence and supreme comic timing. It all seems to come so naturally to him. Another notable face is respected actor and future Freddy Krueger Jackie Earl Haley as Bardo’s Earth-bound nemesis Braxton Red, a vicious gang leader who makes a deal with Sprug that will see him come into possession of a powerful micro-bomb that will ‘rip their dimension a new ass hole’, meaning everything within three parsecs will be blown into another dimension forever ― if that makes any more sense to you. Frank Collison is deliciously deranged as Sprug, and some of the practical effects are straight out of an early Peter Jackson movie.
This may not be peak Band in terms of finance and output, but it’s still a joy to behold for connoisseurs of second-rate fare. Those of you who aren’t familiar with the producer’s work will probably recognise at least one title from his Empire Pictures apotheosis. The obvious one is the Puppet Master series, a fun and inventive horror franchise that is still going strong today, but Band, who set out to create a studio system to rival that of the major Hollywood companies, enjoyed a pretty successful spell during the mid-1980s, focusing on theatrical output having secured a deal with cult distributor Vestron Video. Working with the likes of Stuart Gordon, Empire were behind cult classics such as Ghoulies (1985), Re-Animator (1986), Eliminators (1986), From Beyond (1986), Troll (1986) and Dolls (1987), even going as far as purchasing legendary Italian film-production company Dino de Laurentiis Cinematografica, before long-term debt obligations plunged them into financial ruin.
Band would soldier on with numerous ventures, giving us a cult catalogue to rival that of Golan-Globus and The Cannon Group, at least for sheer madness, operating with a seemingly unlimited conceptual canvas that is indicative of a man who clearly just loves making movies. They’re clever too. Resourceful. In Thomerson, Band found himself a truly magnetic, tongue-in-cheek player, and films like Dollman employ all kinds of cute tricks to get the most out of what they have ― like the fact that it begins in space before quickly arriving on Earth ― and there is such an irresistible punk aesthetic to it all. It is dime store, renegade filmmaking, bursting from the seams with B-movie implausibility. Budgetary restrictions aside, there’s just so much to admire, so much fun to be had; every time I sit down and watch a Charles Band movie I feel like a kid again. If I could travel back in time, visiting the set of an Empire Pictures/Full Moon production would be high on my list of priorities.
The great thing about egomaniacal villain, Sprug, is that he is absolutely confident in his abilities to conquer an alien land that leaves him vulnerable to even the tiniest pest, so confident that he turns to the baddest dudes in NYC to aid his conquest. Dumb move, man! After nursing the fatally wounded Braxton Red back to health with some celestial magic, Sprug has the gangster in his back pocket, or so he thinks. Pushed too far by his sprout-sized, Draconian master, Red decides to simply squash him and take the bomb for free. For such a bad dude, you’d think he’d have recognised the opportunity to exploit from the outset.
Most Absurd Moment
Take your pick. Both the spaceship and the doll attached to the side of a car had me giggling inanely, but the movie is just as ridiculous when it’s played straight, something Band was no doubt aware of. One such scene sees our tiny hero fess up about his tragic past, comparing stories with the equally unfortunate Debi. There’s something about the sight of a full-sized woman, in bed, revealing her most intimate woes to an action figure sized alien slumped next to a toy ship on her bedside table, that really tickles me.
Best Bardo Quip
While all-out warfare wages on the same junk heap location used throughout the movie, a worried Braxton Red, communicating through his CB radio while in possession of the kidnapped Debi, wonders what on Earth is happening to all his men.
Braxton Red: Hey, Jimmer! Jimmer, man, where the fuck are you? Get down here! We’re ready to roll! What the fuck is going on down there?
Brick Bardo aka Dollman: Urban fucking renewal!
Most Absurd Dialogue
Fed up with Bardo’s ceaseless acts of devastation, including a scene in which he takes out most of his gang in Debi’s apartment (quite the example to set for her son, who she’s trying to shield from violent influences), Braxton Red regroups and addresses his remaining crew in no uncertain terms.
Braxton Red: We’re gonna go to war.
Gang member: With who?
Braxton Red: [insulted by the gang member’s failure to identify their target] The fuckin’ Dollman, who else?
Of course. How stupid of him.