Amityville 3-D (1983)

Director: Richard Fleischer
18 | 1h 33min | Horror

Few properties are as undeserving of their mainstream status as the Amityville franchise. Granted, an equally underwhelming reboot notwithstanding, it fell off the radar rather rapidly during the early 1980s, continuing as a series of ludicrous, made for TV/direct-to-video outings and shorts well into the 21st century, but the original movie still seems to crop up whenever websites list the genre classics. Its enduring relevance can mostly be attested to the lore surrounding the concept, which carried something of a true story aura during America’s wholly fanatical satanic panic, a time when exploitative supernatural movies bled from the walls with the impudence of the Amityville house on a particularly demonstrative day. It was enough to make the original instalment one of the highest grossing independent films in history.

The Amityville Horror dealt with the supposed experiences of the Lutz family, originally documented in Jay Hanson’s 1977 book of the same name. Subtitled A True Story, the writer’s dubious literary endeavor detailed strange, supernatural occurrences that purportedly took place in the infamous Dutch Colonial house in the suburb of Amityville in Long Island, New York. The family claimed to have been subjected to 28 days of sheer torment at the hands of a malevolent spirit, though attorney William Weber, who began fielding book proposals for a sequel involving previous acts committed in the house, later documented in the much more interesting Amityville 2: The Possession, didn’t believe Mr. and Mrs. Lutz, later claiming that they were simply “making a commercial venture.”

Despite its dubious origins, the Amityville legend endured for an awful long time, and incredibly continues to do so, the last movie tied to the Amityville name, indie film Amityville: Where the Echo Lives, released as recently as 2024. Other titles include 2015’s Amityville: The Final Chapter (yeah, right), 2017’s Amityville: Evil Never Dies (appreciate the honesty), 2020’s Witches of Amityville Academy, and 2021’s Amityville Cop, and the curse grows ever stronger. Between 2022 and 2023, an astonishing 22 indie films tied, however tenuously, to the Amityville name were released, with titles as out-there as Amityville Vampire, Amityville Gas Chamber, Amityville in the Hood and Amityville Shark House. According to Amityville Wiki, there’s a total of 75 films or shorts still bleeding the franchise dry. It has to be some kind of record.

It’s not all bad. Some of those early sequels, such as 1990’s lamp-based horror Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes, which relocated following the destruction of the house, and 1992’s deliciously titled Amityville: It’s About Time (yes, there’s a clock involved) were a hoot for their sheer crumminess, and I’ve always had something of a soft spot for, or, more accurately, a long-standing wound inflicted by Damiano Damiani’s nasty possession story Amityville 2: The Possession, which scared the living crap out of me as a kid, but the original Amityville never did anything for me. It is, however, slightly superior to 1983’s Amityville 3-D, which, as its name blatantly suggests, arrived during America’s second wave of 3-D movies, which despite the hype went down like an evil abode at an open house viewing. Of all those earlier movies, it has to be the worst of the lot due to its inability to offer anything, ironic or otherwise, of note. Given the competition, it’s quite the achievement.

Thanks to untenable costs, technical issues and a rapidly dwindling public interest, the 80s 3-D revival was mercifully short-lived as a mainstream theatrical draw. Of the 22 3-D films released between 1982 and 1986, many of which B or Bollywood movies, only 3 can be considered truly mainstream, each belonging to an already established horror franchise: Friday the 13th: Part 3, Jaws 3-D and Amityville 3-D. Paramount were the first to embrace the phenomenon in an attempt to boost numbers following the comparatively disappointing returns of Friday the 13th Part II, which drew just over a third of the near $60,000,000 that Sean Cunningham’s derivative marketing eureka Friday the 13th managed a year prior. And it worked to an extent, Part 3 posting a rather healthy $36,700,000, but it would all be downhill from there. With Spielberg’s legitimizing residue still strong, Jaws 3-D fared even better, with a gross of $88,000,000, but by the time Amityville chanced its luck the 3-D revival was already dead in the water, the movie barely breaking even with a return of $6,333,135, and, creatively speaking, it didn’t do much else to win over audiences.

Amityville 2: The Possession didn’t fare much better at the box office, and was also slammed critically, but whatever your opinion of Damiani’s crude shocker, it did enough to stay in the memory, particularly for a generation of kids startled by the sheer callousness of it all. After the grubby, mean-spirited vulgarity of its predecessor, which included a heartless family massacre and an incest narrative that made for uneasy viewing, Amityville 3-D is rather pedestrian. In fact, of all the garbage that the series has served up over the years, it may be the most underwhelming of the lot. It isn’t frightening, crude, or even out there enough to entertain, the silliness even kept to a minimum, relatively speaking. There are laughable moments, which we’ll get to, but not enough for the film to fall under the priceless ‘so bad it’s good’ category. Everything is done in half measures, often to the point of tedium. In an era of video nasty immorality and practical effects overindulgence, it’s a massive letdown.

After a horrific mass shooting and tales of crazed patriarchs and bleeding walls, it’s amazing that the house is still standing, let alone up for sale, but cynical expose journalist John Baxter (Tony Roberts) has absolutely no qualms about snapping it up when offered it for next to nothing, despite the forewarnings of his nearest and dearest. He even moves his teenage daughter, Susan, into the attic; you know, the room with ominous windows that look like eyes and glow with a vague sentience with the lights on. And there’s plenty of reason to back out. The realtor who sells him the house drops dead from what seems to be a stroke almost immediately, a storm of pesky, devil-sent flies swarming all over him in one of the film’s few practical uses of its 3-D technology. Is this all just a coincidence? Of course! What other logical explanation could a sane person come to?

Shit gets crazier. Photos taken of the estate agent during a sting involving phony paranormal mediums reveal a disfigured face in one of many derivative nods to The Omen. The person responsible for those photos, John’s colleague, Melanie (Candy Clark), who makes so many dumb choices despite her incessant suspicions that she deserves everything that’s coming to her, is soon attacked by a gust of icy wind emanating from the basement, fleeing the house in hysterics. This, after she was magically locked in the house by doors that close by themselves, in complete darkness because the fuse box shorts out every five minutes for no apparent reason. Is this enough for John to have second thoughts about his new housing arrangement. Don’t be silly! Everyone is completely overreacting, even his ex wife, Nancy (Tess Harper), who in an example of the film’s badly thought out screenplay fails to appear with her protestations until 45 minutes in, her brief appearance at the beginning of the movie already long forgotten.

Made on a budget of roughly $6,000,000, most of which was presumably spent on scant moments of 3-D titillation and a laughable finale that proves way too brief, the Dino De Laurentiis Corporation cuts every corner imaginable in its half-hearted quest to bring the Amityville house to life, relying on cheap, cost-effective tricks like buzzing flies, icy temperatures, mirrors and moving furniture. Even the token ‘house falling down’ climax looks cheap and unconvincing. Like its 3-D contemporaries, the majority of 3-D moments involve innocuous objects that are completely useless in establishing any kind of suspense or horror. Relying almost entirely on their superficial gimmick, these films simply could not be bothered to apply ample creativity to justify their running time, which is presumably one of the main reasons why audiences turned cold to the concept so quickly. In Friday the 13th we had wallets thrown at the screen, swinging hay bales and obscure yo-yo action. Here it’s boom mics and frisbees and whatever meaningless objects they could get their hands on for free. It’s absolutely pathetic.

Amityville 3-D is the absolute worst of the 3-D films in this regard too. At least Friday the 13th Part 3 had some creative, 3-D kills to feast upon: the popped eyeball, the blunt harpooning; and there were moments when Jason seemed to come at you through the screen. There are barely any deaths to speak of in Amityville 3-D, and those moments that attempt to utilize the 3-D technology for actual horror purposes are shoddy and unimaginative at best. Even a floating corpse that pops out of a well in the basement, an apparent gateway into hell itself, occurs during a gotcha dream sequence, proving the only jump scare of any note. In fact, there isn’t a single death, aside from the sight of flies coming through the screen, that makes effective use of the movie’s supposed commercial draw. There just isn’t enough going on. Those who paid to see this film in theatres must have been absolutely fuming by the time the credits rolled. It’s unforgivable how little horror it manages to offer.

The main problem with the screenplay is that it takes ages to get anywhere yet resolves in the blink of an eye. The house’s main target, John’s daughter, Susan, isn’t targeted at all until a tragic offscreen event just prior to the final act that finally convinces her father that something may be rotten in Denmark. The incident happens so late and abruptly that it’s impossible to feel anything for the characters, chiefly because those characters are given very little time to feel anything themselves, and despite the pace feeling laborious elsewhere, the all-important climax is so rushed that it has barely any impact emotionally.

The movie’s finale, as abrupt as it is, at least provides some laughs, finally raising a smile amid the monotony. The movie concludes with a paranormal investigation which aims to coax the evil out of the little well in the basement, which looks warm, welcoming and totally harmless, like a tiny jacuzzi just waiting to be dipped in, and despite their abundant efforts, ultrasonic censors and high-tech thermal cameras are not required to crack this case. All is revealed by some of the most laughable, half-baked practical effects of the era, a fire-breathing demon so fake and non-threatening it would be more suitable for a Punch and Judy act at a kids birthday party. The 3-D version must have been a laugh-riot.

The Evil Escapes

The obvious solution to escaping the evil contained inside the dreaded Amityville house, provided you are willing to accept that it exists at all, is to simply pack up and leave. No such luck!

This time the evil is capable of travelling anywhere it pleases courtesy of some second-rate fly effects. Not that the screenplay takes advantage of this development in any way satisfying, like the scene in which delusional patriarch John is trapped in a building elevator, an elevator which begins rushing up and down stories at breakneck speed.

It sounds more exciting than it is, believe me!

Burn, Baby… Burn?

Having noticed a microscopic vision of the lousy practical effects demon unleashed during the movie’s climax, one that professional analysts somehow missed during rigorous and supposedly comprehensive testing of the photographs in question, John’s colleague Melanie rushes to his aid, only to realise, via the pesky distraction of yet another fly, that her brakes have stopped working. How original!

After a crash that promises 3-D impalement but once again fails to deliver, the evidence, and subsequently Melanie’s clothes, catch fire, burning her to a crisp. When a passer by opens the car door to check inside, he doesn’t burn his hand, but a still-smoking skeleton does leap out for a cheap 3-D pop that barely registers. The man, who must be used to such events to the point immunity, should be way more horrified than he is. Perhaps he was in agreement.

Choice Dialogue

John’s daughter Melanie’s new abode naturally becomes a source of fascination with her teenage friends, including a young Meg Ryan’s loose tearaway, Lisa, who, thanks to her later suggestion that a group of them hold a seance, is ultimately responsible for her bestie’s demise, but like all teenager’s confronted with a possibly demonic house, Lisa initially has sex on the mind.

Lisa: “Do you know you can have sex with a ghost? I’ve been reading up on it. It seems to have happened to a lot of women and they all say it’s fantastic.”

That would be 1982’s The Entity starring Barbara Hershey. Though I don’t recall it being such a fantastic experience for her character.

The Amityville franchise has been a long, peculiar odyssey. There have been few highs, plenty of lows, and mainstream franchise killer , which isn’t scary, interesting, or even silly enough to warrant your attention. If I were given the choice between Amityville 3-D and Scared Stiff 2: The Amityville Whore, I’d probably choose Amityville 3-D. Just barely.

Edison Smith